Think.

The current environment of my life has caused me to stop dead in my tracks; a wild animal running along a forest path, only to stop abruptly when startled.  Startled.  The pattern of constant one-track focus being demolished with unsure, unknown, honest interruption.  Where normally adaptation seems to be the answer, adapting the distraction into the environment and continuing onward is the usual approach.  However, this is different and not the case. 

Now that I'm finally emerging from this pit of darkness, blackness, fear and isolation, suddenly adaptation doesn't seem like the best approach anymore.  Why, isn't adaptation how I fell into this pit in the first place?  Continuing to adapt may very well be one of the major culprits - by not acknowledging these distractions and simply adapting is to ignore all problems, sweep them off into the bushes, and expect the sun to continue shining on a seemingly clear path, although knowing deep within that it's really just a falsity.  Suddenly, the answers become blurred and new explanations and actions and answers are needed; familiar behavior no longer is applicable. 

This is where I am currently.  I have been adapting to everything thrown my way for so long, that it's simply not working anymore - in my running life and non-running life.  In running life, following the same patterns I did last year, during my epic year, are no longer producing the same results.  This holds true for other arenas as well.  If I keep doing what I'm doing, then I'm going to keep getting what I've been getting.  If I want to reach higher and overcome, then I must reach higher and overcome.  It seems so simple, so intuitive, yet in action is a very difficult entity, indeed. 

There are so many things, so many, many things that I'm realizing lately that contributed to this current environment.  These things continue to sprout up daily and show their fresh, newly sick faces, like tumors.  I need to acknowledge them and move onward.  It's the acceptance and moving onward piece of which I'm struggling the most.

I may never be the worker I want to be, or have my dream job.  I do enjoy my career, but I question whether the levels of stress it has always provided me are sustainable to my lifestyle and health.  I may never have the family I want.  Even if I am able to find that elusive partner and settle down, I'm slowly coming to terms with my age and gender; I need to accept the fact that I may never have children as the window of only a couple safe, viable years is closing with each passing day. I question whether I am wasting my time coasting, hoping that something will materialize from relationship vagueness, but then again, hoping has gotten me to where I am now, which clearly is not working.  Acknowledging that I may never have children is tough, tough, tough, and it's absolutely a grieving process, one that the opposite gender will never understand.  I may never have the support system I want; friends and loved ones seem to ebb and flow like the tide on the harbor lately; some moments are plentiful, but then there are long, lonely stretches where I wonder if I truly do have any of them there for me when I need them the most.  I may never be as healthy as I want to be, despite my best efforts.  I try to eat well, exercise and abstain from destructive behaviors and substances.  This may be contributing to my isolation, but I know it is also contributing to my lifespan.  I may never live in the city or place where I truly feel like I belong; there are days where I have my moments of love, but most of the time I am a drifter and truly question why I am still here.  And of course, running - I may never be the runner I want to be.  I am working to change my training and change my racing outlook, but it's difficult because old habits die hard. 

I feel lost.  I feel like I made a wrong turn on the race course and am struggling to find my way back.  I feel uncertain:  from all the growing I've done, the answers I've found, suddenly none of it makes sense anymore and certainly doesn't seem to fit whatever version of life this is now.  I know the reset button has been pushed, but it's now that moment when the button has been depressed and pops back out again.  Now what?  Where do I go from here?  What do I even want anymore?  More importantly, who am I now?  All answers are unknown.  All requires thinking, massive, long, tedious thinking.