Countdown.

Well, here we are, less than 24 hours to incision time. 

This has been a rough week.  It's been this swirl of highs and lows, good days and bad, people calling and not calling, shopping and work and errands and rest and stress. 

About this time last week, things totally deteriorated, and I was definitely not expecting that to happen.  I have been unbelievably exhausted, disoriented, fatigued, fuzzy, dizzy, sick and sicker.  Pain, pain, pain.  I did not anticipate feeling this run down or horrible. 

I spoke with Dr. J directly on the phone on Tuesday; he actually called me to check in.  I had to begin surgical prep about a week out, due to the nature of this bone infection and what they found on the lab tests.  This included discontinuing all medications, even vitamins and over the counter things like NSAIDs (which I take by the handful daily), swabbing my nose with mupirocin twice daily, a daily full body scrub with hibicleans, washing my feet twice daily in addition to already being meticulous about handwashing and hygiene, hanging up bathmats and keeping the pets off of certain things.  Anyway, Dr. J said to participate in the days I feel good and to dial back on the days where I don't, and believe me, the bad days are unlike anything I could ever imagine.  They are absolutely miserable.  Speaking with Dr. J was both calming and unnerving.  There's something about a doctor voluntarily calling you to make sure you're doing ok before setting off on some unknown recovery time involving scary things like picc lines than can kill you from setting a cookie on the kitchen counter for a second.  There will be no "three second rule" ever again, sadly.  He was also calming in that I think I chose my treatment team wisely, and he and Dr. M are going to nail this.  I hope I'm right about the last part. 

When I haven't been feeling horrible, I've just been drifting, going through the motions, ignoring the screaming anxiety in my head about whether I will ever run again, or if I will even get out on the other side of this without being permanently disabled or dead.  I know that only time can tell though. 

Tonight I need to pack, spend time with the dog, shower and then head to bed.  My last night of sleeping without needles and tubes and IVs, at least for very long while. 

I will be dreaming of my running shoes.