Empty.

Although I have plenty of foot updates, I haven't been talking about them here just yet.  Maybe it's because they have been unfavorable.  Maybe it's because I'm depressed.  Maybe it's because I dread opening my email each day and deleting all of the emails about upcoming races and watching the year slipping through my fingers.  I think most of all, however, it is this large gaping hole of which I've become acutely aware that exists where running, biking, and exercise used to be. 

The past two nights I've broken down into heaving, sobbing tears...and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. 

Two nights ago it was because of my 5-week post-operative appointment with Dr. J where he told me that things look good, but I need to remain inactive for the next 6-8 weeks (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but could try swimming as long as it was cleared by Dr. M (who had done so two weeks prior, but not without slapping me with another few weeks of Ciprofloxicin) but that's about it.  Dr. J is concerned about my tendons at this point because long-term Cipro use causes them to weaken, so he is hesitant to let me do anything until the regimen is over.  I definitely believe this because some days it hurts to walk from my desk to the printer, which is literally only 5 feet away. 

Each day I take my two pills, but it feels like the bottle is still full.

Last night I broke down because it was one of those gorgeous evenings and I was determined to go for a walk.  I was able to walk 2 miles but had to prop my foot once home and take handfuls of pain medication. 

On that walk, every runner who passed me was tan and beautiful and colorful and had such life to them.  I tried reminding myself that it will be me again, soon enough.  This came shattering down once I noticed two cyclists whiz by on their triathlon bikes, like birds swooping quickly through the evening air.  I blinked and looked away towards the harbor and spotted three swimmers in wetsuits and caps, entering the harbor to swim to that buoy that I so desperately tried to reach last year.

I was surrounded.  Yet, I was alone. 

It hurts more than I could ever put into words, and even a day later as I'm thinking about this, my eyes are welling up and I'm choking back my breath, saliva sour. 

Alone. 

With a hole in my heart, that is bigger than anyone or anything could ever fill. 

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