Exhaust.

You want to know why I've been so quiet on here?  One word:  over saturation. 

I am feeling exhaustion, and am feeling angry.  I have been quiet on purpose because everyone else seems to not be able to shut the heck up about anything that they do anymore.  I am beginning to feel like Bill Maher is the only one who gets it.  At first glance, this comes across as callous, but it's not.  Think about it.

I have been "training" for the Boston Marathon.  I use quotations because between the most ridiculous New England winter and not really following a set schedule due to needing to listen to my body's odd requests, it's enough to make Hal Higdon have a panic attack.  I registered for this year's race with an invitational bib number.  Although I didn't qualify, my run club felt I was deserving of the number and gave it to me, and I am so very thankful.  In some regards, I agree with them - 2013 was an extremely difficult and dark year.  After foot surgery in July, recovery, antibiotic poisoning, recovering. resuming to activity, having to stop activity and then re-start again, the entire training cycle has been exhausting and overwhelming and very, very, emotionally challenging.  I do feel like it's all coming back, however, even though we are not there yet.  I have come to learn that progress is better than perfection, which is echoed with each mile I complete.  It has been a long road to resume to "normal" from this surgery and the emotional and mental strain on not being able to be physically active was depressing and difficult, which are extremely poor words.  I am humbled to be running this year's Boston Marathon and am happy that it will be my first marathon back, a homecoming.  From there I will be running my next, and next and will continue onward as I have done, waxing poetic on the harbor as my spirit runs beside me and my soul feels each sunset.  Of course, it makes me wonder how the victims of the bombings feel and I cannot even begin to compare my own foot surgery to what they have gone through, because it is personal.  As with my surgery, I couldn't express to friends and family watching my struggle because it was personal.  They have no idea.   

This is exactly why I'm angry:  it's personal. 

What the victims went through was extreme, personal anguish.  To lose a limb through a senseless act of terror is horrible and to suffer the cruelty of an ill-member of society is crushing.  One year ago, I was proud of our city rallying around them in support as they recovered.  Most of them have recovered and are some will even be involved in Monday's event.  However, at some point, it became less about supporting the victims and simply about being vocal.  Suddenly, those not even touched by the event were "healing" and social media exploded.  One person's tragedy is another person's treasure and such.  I think it was the moment where "Boston Strong" suddenly morphed from community support to yet another corporate media campaign was where everything changed.  Don't people understand that sometimes to properly heal, people need their space to personally digest what has happened?!  If I had strangers around me constantly touting the walking orthopedic boot I was wearing or cheering me on when my stomach wasn't a constipated mess from antibiotic poisoning I would have exploded on them.  Hovering is a useless activity and a complete waste of energy. 

"Boston Strong":  It's now everywhere - bumper stickers, signs, wreaths on doors, t-shirts, everywhere.  A line has been crossed between community spirit and support and over saturation.  While yesterday was rightfully a somber day in the city and a day of remembrance and respect, the media has skewed so out of control with memorializing a personal tragedy that it is becoming insulting and disgusting.  If I were a bombing victim, I probably would be on an airplane right now to someplace far away to let the whole thing blow over. 

When something so powerful happens to someone and has such a deep personal impact, what sick twist of our society has suddenly decided that this personal tragedy has to become this publicized demonstration?  Why does everything have to be posted, advertised, and openly expressed, especially by people whom were not directly impacted by the issues?  Saying that UMASS is "Still healing" just because one of the attackers happened to matriculate at that institution is taking it too far.  It is so insulting.  I think Mr. Maher would agree with me.  It is not Godzilla, but we are trying to make it so and the cost is not yet recognizable but impending on the horizon.

I am happy to be running on Monday.  I am looking forward to enjoying my home the way I like it - by running towards our fair city in celebration and crossing the finish line in the heart of it all.  I can't wait to remember the smell of Hopkinton in the early morning, the flutter of anticipation being in the corral and that old bag of nerves to sort out between miles one through three.  I'm excited to see so many of my friends on the course who know how much returning to a marathon means to me.  I'm excited to see the Citgo sign and feel the energy of the course.  I can't wait for that feeling of the medal around my neck and I know there will be tears because my eyes are welling up just thinking about it all.  However, what has me bothered is that none of these things have anything to do with the marathon bombings.  All of these things have to do with running, and running alone.

Which leads me to ask the big, nasty question:  what ever happened to running for running's sake?

I'm not advertising openly that I'm running on Monday, but if people ask I tell them.  What really angers me is that their immediate follow-up question is "Can I donate"?  to which I respond "To what?"  I'm not raising money.  Whatever happened to running just to run?  I'm running the marathon to enjoy running that marathon, not for charity.  I do respect the charity runners and their cause, but I'm beginning to feel that this is also over saturation.  Not every action needs to be done for a tangible reason; some people actually might just like running just to run or running for reasons intangible.  Spiritual.  I've been seeing similar with other races, it has gotten to the point where I find myself having to sign up at least six-months in advance of the event just to be able to participate.  Even some 5ks!  This is so excessive and makes running feel so...planned.  I enjoy running like the wild animal I am, and planning out runs in this manner is putting myself in a cage.  It is so off-putting, and my instinct is to run...in the opposite direction.

My response lately is to not do it, hence silence in this space.  I outright refuse to sign up for anything more than a month out anymore and am continuing to run for running's sake - just as I have for the last 17 years.  Part of my enjoyment of the marathon is being able to sign up several weeks before, challenging myself with the event, running happy and enjoying the experience.  The other part of my enjoyment are the surprises that each one of these events brings and the lessons learned.  It's hard to do any of that when it's planned.  I don't want a scripted and perfect life and I certainly don't want scripted and perfect running.  It's the tattered edges and crooked teeth and scars and scrapes and souls, soles, souls, that keep me coming back. The good stuff.  The genuine stuff.  The sometimes gruesome stuff.

Monday, April 21st will be a day that is beyond words and speech and can only be felt.  I will leave it at that.  It will be my homecoming and it will be my 27th marathon.  Back. Returned. Rehabilitated and released.

Running wild and free.  Untamed and crazy.  I get goosebumps just thinking about the unknown possibilities that the marathon will bring, I get goosebumps about just experiencing my passion again for what it is; personal.