I would give myself a B+ right now in terms of doing well. I'm not quite at A level, but am certainly out of my flunkie funk. Training has absolutely taken the brunt of everything that I've been feeling and dealing with lately - emotional trauma, burned-out feelings from work, physical trauma from coming off of the Paleo diet, and finally, just utter physical exhaustion from all of the above. Exhausted does not even begin to describe how I'm feeling. It's been a complete and utter struggle and I'm WAY beyond the whole "day at a time" thinking. It's more like "minute at a time" thinking, but I'm sure I'll get there. Hopefully.
My 9th marathon has been booked for well over a year for next weekend and I'm NOT feeling good about it at all. I don't have it in me, and while "can't" is not something that I even acknowledge as a word or entity, I really don't think I physically *can* do it. The last three nights I've come home from work with full intentions and excitement about going for a run, only to have my stomach completely stage a protest coming off this wretched Paleo diet. Last night I was determined, and even ran 1/2 a mile only to have to...um...turn around and sprint home to spend the remainder of the evening in the smallest room in my house. We will leave it at that. I'm in physical pain and food has been a complete and total challenge; I'm left weak, deprived, sleepless, saltless, and utterly spent.
I made the decision last night to revise my training schedule, yet again, to accommodate these recent developments. Physically, with the intestinal trauma I've been experiencing, I'd be lucky to make it halfway through that marathon. I cannot defer the race to next year, so I think as of right now I'm going to try to do as much as I can and then drop out when I have to. I don't like this idea one bit, but since it's already paid for, it's the best that I can do right now. I may not even make it down there at all depending on how things go so I need to remind myself that it's okay, and I'll get through it all. It's taking a lot of guts to admit this openly right now. As consolation, I signed up for Vermont City instead, which I've always wanted to do. If I can try to eek out a 20 miler between now and then in the next five weeks, I should have a revised marathon #9 in the bag. I'm just hoping that my innards cooperate. I'm actually more excited about taking my first solo vacation and spending that weekend doing something that's 100% for me - something I haven't done in quite some time, because originally, plans were to accommodate other people's demands and saying 'no' to pleasing other people is a big deal to me.
So, I am still giving myself a B+ for getting through it, and I think focusing on other things has been helping, obviously making hefty realizations along the way in my typical optimistic fashion. I think I'm hopeful that I'm still fighting through all of this crap...because that's all it is, really. With that said, I need to work on attempting a run right now. Hopefully I can make it past 1/2 mile.
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