Solo.

I'm having my pre-race bout of anxiety right about now, but this time it's actually warranted.  On Sunday, I'm slated to run my 9th marathon and am feeling under cooked.  I've been polling everyone lately about what I should do and some of the advice that I've received is just turning into this swirling pool inside my brain...

"Just go for it!"

"Bail at the half!"

"Go for it and take walk breaks"

"Just treat it like a training run"

"GET ON THE DAMN BUS"

"Just try your best, you can do it!" 

"It's better to be short on training than over cooked"

"Listen to yourself and don't get hurt"





...the problem is that I've always been very hard on myself, so I know once out there I'll probably be stressed out for about the first three miles, relax for the next 10, get stressed out again for the next four or so, then who knows where I'll wind up, but I'll probably have visions of another medal, dancing in my head. 

How funny are these things we call goals?  I think my goal for this is to not get hurt and if I decide to go for it, just finish and not worry about time (which will be tough).

Regardless, last night I made last-minute-impulse-decision travel arrangements.  Originally I was just planning on driving down that morning, but this will officially be my first single and solo marathon experience, so I ended up coughing up too much money for a room at the host hotel and an Acela ticket so I won't have to worry about driving.  This, and why not celebrate being single and a solo runner with a weekend away?  I'm viewing it as a weekend  adventure - heading down there solo, getting my packet, having a relaxing and quiet evening at the hotel, then train wreck Marathon Sunday, then train ride home. 

Welcome to my version of being easy on myself.

I'm quite looking forward to it - I can spend time at the Expo or not stay at the Expo.  I can raise a big haggling stink about late check-out and please-give-me-discounts without feeling self-conscious.  I can eat what I want, when I want, where I want for dinner and head to bed at whatever time.  I can run my crazy last-minute errands at my leisure (because there's ALWAYS at least one).  I don't have to feel guilty about waking anyone up early or being ridiculous and obnoxious at the start line by having to pee 800 times while singing some crappy top-40 song to ease my own tension, inducing eye-rolls abound.  I won't have to worry about looking for someone spectating while I'm running and can just enjoy and focus on the task at hand.  I won't have to worry about anyone getting bored or being entertained during the race.  I won't have to worry about anyone having to wait around while I'm showering, and best of all - I won't have to feel guilty for someone else having to drive, because, well...I really shouldn't be driving after a full marathon.  It's just not safe.  And I can eat a giant gooey cheeseburger at the end without feeling self-conscious or like a total jerk.  Or not.  Either way, it's my decision. 

Either way, this will be a nice little test run (no pun intended) for my long weekend in Burlington by myself when I run Vermont City which opens up all sorts of fun solo-travel possibilities if I enjoy this trend.  The possibilities are endless!  I could go run destination races anywhere in the world that I would want to go without having to plead my case!  This is very exciting to me, and also begs the question - how many other marathoners are in the same single and solo boat?  I wonder if there's a way to combine forces somehow?  Surely, I can't be the only one being self-sufficient.  I think I need to think a little more about that.