Will.

A simple, brief, yet interesting conversation ensued, and one particular statement that she said has been hanging in the back of my head; a wet pair of jeans slung over the top of my bedroom door to air dry, comfortable and welcoming worn, but too damp to wear right now:

I've stopped saying "can't".  I just am no longer a fan of the word.  I'm now saying "I will". 

My only response was to hug her.  Hard.

There is such truth to this statement and it has been making me admire her brutal ambition, especially coming off of an absolutely bizarre weekend where for a moment I thought that I was losing total faith in certain people in my life. 

A close friend of mine of well over a decade, without considering the consequences, ruined a friendship which has been making me feel robbed.  I am feeling rather angry about it actually.  This was an attempt on his part to change our friendship from a simple friendship to an actual relationship, but he's one of the most weak-minded individuals I know.  What scares me the most is that he doesn't know who he is exactly which would create a lethal oil-and-water-type situation.  Whatever intentions he had were completely foiled when he realized that I live in color, don't come quietly, and have somehow managed to cultivate a very unique, solid, well-formed, well-lived, well-loved life into which he simply cannot mold himself, because I don't have room for people without voices. 

One realization that I made last night when all this came screeching to a halt is that with this strange shade of life that I'm living right now, I've managed to become so much more comfortable with myself, know who I am and what I stand for and tend to think about this in great length as the miles progress.  I thought about this for about 50 miles on my bike yesterday during a half century ride.  I've slammed back 5 marathons so far this year, and with each medal I'm learning about facets of who I am that I never realized existed. 

I like who I am.  I'm a runner.  I'm a fighter.  I'm a survivor.  I'm a friend, daughter, sister, auntie, co-worker, homeowner, neighbor, athlete, cook, cyclist, volunteer and student.  I will be a lover, but just not yet.  I'm present.  I'm happy, and I'm crazy, but I couldn't imagine things being any other way; as imperfect as things can be shaped, it's perfection for me right now. 

In the days leading up to a marathon, I try to think about what this particular 26.2 means to me right now and who I will be when I run it.  This coming weekend I will be running marathon number 13.  As unlucky as the number seems, to me I feel so lucky to be alive and have my life feel this way.  I know who I am, I know who I love and who I laugh with, the rest will fall into place when the universe decides to stop walking after the water station and pick up the pace again.