It was a year ago, a few days ago. It was a weekend and it was crystal clear fall weather, the kind that just glows orange all around. The air was cold and all I could smell were the leaves and sea air. I ran a marathon that day. He came to my race that day. I ran my first sub-four hour marathon that day. It was the first time I cried happy tears in seven years that day, although he never saw them because I tend to hide my tears. It was the first time I had felt truly safe around someone that day. I fell in love that day.
Everything came crashing down shortly after. This brief moment of stability prior to that collapse, of course, occurred right on the heels of what will forever be known as The Great Life Upheaval of Spring 2010. In retrospect, I think that brief moment of stability was forced. It was a cage. As much as I've tried to forget about this long and damaging chain of events, I'm choosing to think about them now, to acknowledge them and move onward because if I choose to ignore them, they will keep chasing me at random moments as they did last night. It's a strange thing when someone comes unglued. It's interesting to consider just how primal we are and how each one of us copes differently, although it was the opposite of a moment of pride in my life. I'm wincing as I'm thinking about this, but it must be done. I've moved drastically onward since, and things are good, but I think right now, I'm in this swirling phase where I've righted myself, but just need to allow the dust particles to settle and the shards of glass to be swept up before I can solidly attempt to give part of myself to someone again. I know I can do this, because if I can devote myself to running, I have the ability and capacity to devote myself to someone eventually.
It's been a tough year, a rough year, a very raw year, but a good year. Life looks drastically different now, but I feel strong right now in comparison to who I was then, and I know it not only has to do with sitting with my feelings and learning about facets of my soul that I never realized existed or what color or shape they contained, but running, running, running. Running in this past year truly has helped me pick up the pieces and become solid from the inside out. Running has saved my head and helped my heart.
The colors are changing and the light is shifting. My runs now begin or end in darkness, sometimes both. The cast of characters in my life has changed, but lately when I'm in the dark, they have been giving me sunshine. March is approaching again, but somehow things feel different and things feel bold and secure and happy. I'm moving towards the dark season, but this time I feel armed with the warm glow of my friendships and other things that I've worked hard to create that reflect nothing but loving quality this past year. When it snows this year, there will be BlueSkyRunning in my heart to tide me over.
It just feels different. I just feel different.
I've been saying for awhile that I feel like something BIG is about to happen and it's still an unknown to me, but the anticipation is growing stronger. I still don't have any answers, but I've been wondering lately that perhaps this BIG thing is finally having the courage to feel secure in my own skin?
...
Perhaps this BIG thing is finally accepting myself for who I am and that there are parts of me that will always be crazy and they're probably never going to change. Perhaps this BIG thing is realizing that I do love myself and I do love who I am and I'm happy even if the edges are a little tattered and there's a few battle scars that may never go away. I'm far from perfect, but who is exactly? Perhaps this BIG thing is embracing the fact that I'm a wild animal and won't stop moving; that it's perfectly fine to demand that whomever I choose to devote myself must be able keep up because I'm not slowing down anytime soon nor should I. Or ever for that matter. Perhaps this BIG thing is knowing within my bones that I'm not a justanyone and therefore cannot be with a justanyone. Justanyones are one too many and tend to accept mediocrity. Perhaps this BIG thing is realizing that I do not, and cannot be with someone who does, but more importantly, I need to stop trying to force it. I cannot and will not be leashed or tamed and perhaps this BIG thing is finally admitting this out loud and that it's not a phase - it's who I am. Perhaps this BIG thing is realizing that I'm going to keep running towards that finish line, whatever form it takes or however long this race is exactly, and I'm only gaining strength and speed as the miles progress. I'm still hopeful that I'll find another wild animal, but if I continue running solo, perhaps this BIG thing is having the courage to admit that I am OK with that, because I'm happy with the way things are going and refuse to compromise any of it for less than happy.
Or maybe this BIG thing is something else entirely, and these are just important realizations - fueling stations - along the way?
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