Silence.

It's the point in the conversation where a thought has just ended and there's a pause before whatever is said next.  This is where I am right now and where I'm choosing to exist.  The thought that just ended was my 13th marathon, the next planned sentence is my next marathon which is in 18 days, however, there's also a stray thought that I'm so, so, so tempted, tempted, tempted to blurt out loud but am unsure of the consequences but the curiosity and potential for what! could! be! is killing me.  Like such a stray thought, I do not have much time for pause, only reaction because it's only a moment's notice.  I'm wondering if this may actually come to fruition as a noise, or if something external will derail this stray thought and cause more silence until the next anticipated thing to say comes around.

Silence is a concept to me that has such a depth to it and requires depth to achieve the good kind.  I feel as if I've been making so much noise this year with these emotional growing pains, that at this point, it's time for silence; it's time to use the emotional dust pan to tidy up because I know I have been existing in fragments for awhile. 

I've been shattered, and at times have felt my utter brokenness and have been filled with battery acid both mentally and physically from thinking and running, but from those sharp edges, I've learned to be accepting of their different shapes.  Sure, I talk too much, laugh too loud, drink, swear, run, run, run, love fiercely and ferociously, and can be prone to being stubborn and gelastic; but letting these pieces air themselves out and be noisy on their own has been so essential to personal awareness; it's not a phase, it's who I am.  I'm not a justanyone and I know I can be a handful, but I am not settling or changing.  I'm far from perfect and even question if anyone could ever love me for the crazy, rough, lunatic I can be at times, but I hate the thought of being generic and reserved and would be miserable any other way, so hip-hip, cin-cin to that. 

I feel that running and this blog have allowed me to live in pieces for this year, and this is a good thing, because these pieces needed to stand on their own and breathe and exist individually and achieve their own versions of content silence after their initial screaming became a little hoarse.  Running has allowed me to express my rawness and emotions physically, while this blog has allowed me to express my vulnerability and oftentimes stormy realizations as fragment to my smiling, happy, laughing, physical exterior.  Now that each piece has achieved it's own period of silence and independence, it's time to meld the pieces back together and see how they exist with one another now that they've all taken different shapes.  I think it will be strong.  There's a big, new year approaching with big, new possibilities, goals and people.

This is also the part of the conversation where things could completely take a different turn.  This is the part of the conversation where the silence could be broken and a bold, solid, iron statement is made.

Part of the enjoyment of a conversation though, is that when existing in fragments, it's unknown which turn it could take.