Tired.

It was Amanda who hit the nail on the head, I think.  Some people make resolutions, some start fresh each year at New Year's, some start fresh on birthdays, some start each day as a clean slate, some go to church.  I start anew with marathons. 

I've hit my goal for the year: 8 marathons and the Half Ironman.  I've made my schedule for next year and am hungry.  I have a mess of smaller races on the calendar between now and New Year's, am going to hit 2,000 miles for the year in a mere few days, am still chasing a 100 mile week, and am even looking to win my 5k this weekend.  There's still things to do this year, but I'm concerned that this is simply not enough for the head games that are skulking around at present.  However, it's a strange dichotomy, which seems to be one of my usual themes:  my body is tired and needs rest, my head is exhausted, but I need a marathon right now, despite being tired.  Emotional management is not for the faint of mind.  I am tired of toxins.  I'm tired of welcoming people to my life to only realize they are poison later and then having to clean up the mess that they attempt to leave in their wake.  I feel like my harbor route:  running along the pristine water, mirrored by yesterday's garbage, but each thirsty breath attempting to cleanse my system.  I know approaching life maturely and calmly is part of being a well-formed adult, but it's exhausting.  I'm tired, tired, tired, but yet need to feel the rebirth from the finish line right now.  I'm tired of being disappointed by people, I'm tired of expecting not a lot and still being disappointed.  I'm tired of people and whatever expectations they have.  I'm tired of being forced for answers or mashed into molds by people despite my constant struggle to flee.  I'm tired.  But I can't wait until February. 

So, therefore, I'm on the fence about Roxbury yet find myself on the waiting list.  There might be one more this year.  This one would just be so appropriate for right now:  no medal, no crowds, no fanfare, only 100 runners, pay the ten bucks then shut up and run.  Rest later, but renaissance now, resistance in the interim, roughness and rawness abound.  Mind the gap.